I WILL ENDORSE YOUR NOVEL FOR CRACK - Francis Crot

I’m interviewing for a position in the legal department of the Penguin Group. The pressure’s on because I’m not really qualified for it; I mean really unqualified. I’m a pro hockey player reaching the end of my career with no legal or publishing background and two years on the ice tops, so the plan is to really push the “fun guy” angle, but I’m drawing blanks. The only joke that comes to mind is to pretend that I’m this dappy and confused guy who thinks the job is to work for a penguin or maybe, since it’s the legal department, The Penguin, softly exonerate him on technicalities or whatever--maybe, when I discover the truth about what’s expected of me in this job, this “job,” pretend to feel betrayed and disgusted, gather my things, and go.

But these people so get that all the time. Never mind, what I lack in originality and spontaneity I can make up in accuracy, because that’s what I’m about--accurate fun--and that’s what I can bring to their firm, right? I mean, couldn’t it go really, really well?--“Oh gosh no, he’s found another way to misinterpret what I’m saying within his penguin framework! He’s so incorrigible.” Affectionate roll of eyes. “Gets me in touch with my ‘Silly.’”